truth bomb
this post is not light, nor funny, nor really informative. this post is most likely not easy to read. so if you’re not feeling the real today, i will not be offended in the least if you bow out early.
you know what i fucking hate?
wheelchairs.
you know what i fucking hate worse than that?
that the person that i love, the person whose life is my life, was suddenly and traumatically left dependent on one because of a stupid fucking slip in the road.
i just fucking hate it.
we were making progress. we were making plans. we’d remodeled our house, made big changes in our space for the life we were living and planning on living for the foreseeable future. we had a rough start. we fought like cats and dogs sometimes. and sometimes we fought against everything that was fighting against us. we actually had a running joke that so many relationships were fabulous in the beginning and went sour, and that since ours started out so sour we were gonna have it made.
we were gonna have it made.
as long as i live i’ll never get the out of control roller-coaster gone wrong feeling of that car spinning off the interstate out of my body. it’s the same feeling i still get on nights like this. nights that the emotional toll of a very physical thing seems so fucking high.
i can walk. i can reach things on the top shelf. i can climb a ladder to reach what i can’t. i can still do my job, the one thing i love more than writing. the only physical reminder on my body are a few scars from shoddy suture work that some jackass er doc did.
she can’t walk. she can’t reach shit. she’ll never climb a ladder again, not that she spent much time on one before, but still. she’ll never do the job that made her, her. she’ll never, ever, ever work as a paramedic again. the work that i’m convinced god sent her to do, because that’s the only way that people are ever as good at something as she was.
but…but…there’s so much she could do! she could teach! she owns her own business, she could lead that business with such passion! she could be a pioneer in disabled health-care workers’ defense! she could build a fucking spaceship and go to mars!
because couldn’t we all do amazing things? couldn’t we all go the extra mile? sure we could. if only…dinner didn’t need to be on the table. or our bum knee wasn’t aching again. or we had just a little bit more time, money, energy.
tonight my heart is broken. old wounds oozing shitty feelings and thoughts. it’s hard to rebuild a whole entire fucking life out of a pile of wrecked steel and sharded glass. it’s hard to find your place, hers or mine, when you’re somewhere you just don’t want to be. it’s impossible sometimes, to see the “blessing in disguise”. sometimes all you see is the fucked up disguise.
tonight, i fucking hate wheelchairs and wish that the universe were a place that unicorns flew, owls brought the mail, everyone had great boobs, and nobody ever, ever, ever needed one.
I never knew that about you guys, so even though you apologized at the beginning of this post for whatever you were apologizing for, I’m so glad you wrote it. Nothing I can say won’t sound lame, but you know what? Sometimes I talk anyway.
And sometimes life sucks. Shitty things happen to good people, and while those people could go on to do “amazing” things with their circumstances, sometimes the most amazing thing they can/want to do is get up in the morning and make it through the day. For all of us, sometimes that’s as amazing as we can get, and honestly? That’s enough. Things we can’t change piss us off and more often than not we use them for motivation, but there are nights you are allowed to be pissed, to question why things are the way they are and to wish them otherwise.
Then you get up in the morning, count the blessings that you have, and make it through the day. That’s amazing to me.
you get it. that’s all…you just get it. xo
Exactly… if only.
You have every right to be angry and frustrated and to cry and ask “WHY?”.
As long as you don’t give up the hope and faith that one day you WILL have it made. That one day everything will fall into place, the wheelchair will be what it is, but life can still be amazing, even when you’re sitting down.
I’m so sorry you’re living through this. No one should have to watch their loved one suffer.
thank you…and hope is so the biggest thing. hope and faith and love…they make you have it made, no matter what.
This brought tears to my eyes. Sending positive thoughts your way, for whatever it’s worth.
it’s worth more than you have any idea. thanks, violet-ta.
Sometimes you gotta just say shit. Sometimes you gotta just bitch about how shitty a situation is. Sometimes you gotta just let it out. So, glad you have this outlet (and it sounds like others) to rail against the injustice. And, glad you have each other to get through things and make a new reality together. Head up, young person.
head’s up. thanks, love.