january

this post contains material that could be a trigger to some.

in a couple of days, it will have been 14 years. 14 years is a really long time. it’s a lifetime, when life is what you chose.

14 years ago, i sat on the edge of a bed in a run-down motel on the outskirts of an equally run-down small town, and i heard the voice of god. and god said, “i will give you and your family safe passage if you will just leave”.

14 years ago, i was a week or so shy of my 19th birthday, and until i heard what god said, i didn’t believe i would see it.

14 years ago, i was about to become a domestic violence survivor.

14 years ago, i had one pair of shoes, two dresses. makeup and hair product were things i didn’t even dare dream of.

14 years ago, i had a job at a local pharmacy where everyone i worked with made fun of me for those things, and because i smelled like the rotten motel i lived in.

14 years ago, i had been brutally raped at gunpoint by my then boyfriend, then beaten severely in my face and body by the glock 9mm he held in my mouth as he violated me. i was being beaten at an alarmingly increasing rate. i had been locked outside of that motel room naked with the barrel of that gun pointed at my through a crack in the door in case i ran.

14 years ago, i knew that i would be killed soon if i didn’t find a way out. i knew that no one was going to say a god-damned thing to help me find that way. i had turned away the only 2 people who ever did ask me to leave. that causes me more grief all these years than any other part or parcel of what happened.

14 years ago, i heard the voice of god. and i did as i was told, for once.

14 years ago, i spent my first night in a women’s shelter. i slept beside a window for the first time in 2 years without the fear of being shot through it. i slept for 16 hours.

14 years ago, i listened to the voice of god and i began to live. i began to become who you know today. i survived.

i wrote this post to tell the truth. i hope that my truth somehow touches someone, anyone. i support the efforts of violence unsilenced in any way i can, and i hope that you will as well. if for any reason you could use some help, to hear the voice of god for yourself, click on their link. there is help there. there is understanding there. god is there, in however you see him/her.